Though its been a good 2 months now, I still feel guilty for having to give up nursing my son. I nursed my daughter for a year or more. And because of difficulties that I began having this time around, I had to succumb to bottle feeding. Not that feeding a baby formula is bad. Its not even horrible. It just wasn't what I planned.
I thought that the second time around would be the same, even easier. Because for all those who are nursing or have nursed (for those who are planning to nurse, skip aead a few lines), we know how painful it is. But aside from that, I had done this before so I knew what to expect and I certainly knew that I would be doing it for the same amount of time.
When you nurse your child there is so much that is gained from it. For one thing, breastmilk is the best. That's just how it is. And B, to know that you as the mother can give your child this amazing gift (and it is truly amazing that your body can do this) is almost unfathomable. So when that choice is taken off of the table, it is really difficult to grasp and to come to terms with. I thought, "I am his mother. I am supposed to be able to do this."
After 6 months of nursing I suddenly began having problems. I tried for weeks to just push through. I did not want to feel as though I had simply given up when it became hard. After all, I went through this at the beginning and made it. Of course, everyone said that it was alright to give my son a bottle. That wasn't enough though.
And then, on a day thatI was emotionally spent, my sister looked at me and said, "You're not a bad mom." And I'm not. I know this. Because a bad mom is not one who wants the best for her children. A bad mom is not one who struggles with a decision such as this.
The guilt has lessened now but it is still there. It is there during the night when I now nudge my husband to get out of bed and feed the baby while I roll over and continue on with me sweet dreams. I can still have that same closeness with my son as when I was nursing. I make ceratin that I look at him and smile and that talk to him. And my son is doing just fine. He is still the same sweet, happy and beautiful baby that he always was.
The guilt has lessened now but it is still there. It is there during the night when I now nudge my husband to get out of bed and feed the baby while I roll over and continue on with me sweet dreams. I can still have that same closeness with my son as when I was nursing. I make ceratin that I look at him and smile and that talk to him. And my son is doing just fine. He is still the same sweet, happy and beautiful baby that he always was.
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